Several years ago, my life began to unravel. The Titanic of my life was sinking and I found myself adrift socially, professionally, spiritually, romantically.
But I found connection with an amazing hodgepodge of friends. I have expanded my skills to work in areas that, while challenging, I enjoy. I’ve even been able to find a community of people with which to engage in the spiritual side of life. All of the broken pieces that make up the mosaic of my life have been put back into place.
For years now, I have not been able to find the piece to satisfy that part of me that longs to share my life with someone. When I first became untethered to all I had known, a friend recommended a book to me that gave me an opportunity to crystallize in my mind and heart the woman I hope to find one day. The ensuing months and years, however, would reveal having a clear picture in my mind and actually finding that person were two entirely different things.
There were a couple of random dates here and there, but after a while I began to lose hope that anyone would ever match the woman I saw as my soulmate (yes…I do believe in such things). But I committed myself to not compromising on who I was searching for because I was equally committed to not going through the hell of another failed relationship.
My unwavering commitment to the woman I envisioned, but had not yet met, being real also began to leave me thinking that perhaps this person would never cross paths with me. It wasn’t that I thought I had an overly idealistic expectation. It wasn’t that any of the women I had met aren’t amazing. It’s just that I had not seen anyone that sparked something deep in my psyche. Until a month ago.
I was scanning my Facebook feed when someone I had known on social media came to mind. It occurred to me I had not seen her post anything in quite sometime so I looked her up. The first post I saw from her intrigued and inspired me so I commented on it. This set off several days of online conversation where we immediately dove deep into issues of all kinds. By the end of the week we had spoken on the phone and met in person the next day.
It was immediately apparent to both of us that a connection was present. Each of us was struck by it and we have spoken often about how surprised we are. For me, she is everything I had imagined for a life partner and more. But, as with any relationship, there are challenges.
Without self-aggrandizing, I’ve done some pretty deep work over the last few years. I’ve dismantled and reassembled everything, but I’ve overlooked something. I’m not sure exactly what it is, although I have an idea. It’s a wound I’m carrying the depth of which I didn’t realize.
For close to three decades, I was consistently told that everything wrong in my relationship was my fault. Saying, “I’m sorry,” became my default response to almost every conflict even when that may not have been the case. As a result of this, I began to carry immense loads of resentment. That led me to narcotize in ways that were ultimately self-destructive and I’m only now realizing the effects that has had on my heart and soul. The biggest problem is this has bled over into my present circumstance and I’m not sure how to deal with it.
Ultimately, I need to take care of this first and foremost for my own well-being. But I also want to take care of it for this one special soul that has come out of nowhere and given me hope that I can find love again.
The 13th century poet, Rumi, once wrote, “Love will find its way through all languages on its own.”
I hope so because I just can’t bear the thought of losing this love.